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Commentary from the Edge - Week 7
Kevin Ratterree
October 20, 2009
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Matt Forte only fumbled the ball twice in his first 428 carries in the NFL.  Then on Sunday night he fumbled it on carries 429 and 430.  What are the odds of such an occurrence?  Astronomical.  Almost a high as the odds of a team like the Eagles getting jacked up by a team like the Raiders.  Unless of course, I picked the Eagles in my survivor pool.  Which I did.  Bastards.

You can blame the whole Matt Forte fiasco of 2009 on me as well.  I drafted him in two leagues.  I was kind of counting on more than 10 points a game.  That still may happen, but his impending bust-out game in my league's Toilet Bowl Championship will be decidedly less satisfying than it would have been the night that he fumbled the ball twice on consecutive goal-line carries.  Thanks for coming Mutt Farte. 

Before the drafts, I remember thinking to myself, "Would it be crazy to draft Andre Johnson 3rd overall?"  Correct answer?  No.  Dumb-ass. 

While watching the Sunday morning pregame shows, I made the observation to my wife that John Clayton reminded me of the Great Gazoo.  She was thinking more along the lines of Gollum from "The Hobbit." - "My precious wants the injury status.  My precious wants trade rumors."  

More Sunday morning fun when Hammerin' Hank Goldberg gave his weekly picks against the spread.  A typical week at 2-3.  ESPN's resident point-spread "expert" is now 17-20 on the season.  Thanks for the help Hank.  At least you get a check from ESPN to cover your losses, so you should be fine as long as the suits don't start factoring accuracy into your salary.

Colin Cowherd, who I thought was pretty good against the spread prior to this season, tanked yet again with his Sizzlin' 7 picks.  Cowherd went 3-4 on the week bringing his season total to a stunningly bad 21-29.  Sizzling 7 is right, follow Colin and get cooked.  Hey Uncle Colin, I used to give out picks in this column a few years ago.  When I got down around that level of failure you are at right now I pulled the plug.  

A good general knows when to retreat.

Of course, some people probably have a stronger stomach for public humiliation than I do.  And public humiliation is part of the game when you try to predict this crazy league in a public forum.

I went 4-10 against the spread this week after going 10-4 the week before.  Genius to idiot in 7 days.  

And that's not all.  It has taken me 6 weeks to figure out that Nate Burleson is alternating good weeks and crap weeks: (1) 20pts.(2) 8 (3) 20 (4) 7 (5) 27 (6) 6  That pattern isn't so difficult is it?  And now that I have finally figured that out, it doesn't mean squat because the Seahawks are on a bye this week.  Son of a .....

Furthermore I still can't figure out how to use my QB duo in my dynasty league.  I have Hasselbeck and Schaub.  Rather than just leave Schaub in there every week, I benched him based on match-ups.  (conventional wisdom and all that crap)  The two weeks I benched Schaub were his highest point totals of the season, and by a cruel sick twist of fate, Hasselbeck netted me 10 points in his TWO starts. His lowest two games of the season.   A point differential of about 50.  Mega-dumbass.

Fortunately I am still second overall in that league, a damn sight better than my second to last finish of a year ago.  But bonehead moves like those can sink even the sturdiest of ships.  God knows I am trying.

Great weekend for the NFC East wasn't it?  The Cowboys were the least embarrassing team, spared at last by the bye.  Here is a list of non-divisional wins over teams with a .500 record or better for the NFC East.
Have you watched the NFL Network shows with Warren Sapp and Michael Irvin together on the same set?  Irvin seems to have conceded the court jester role to Sapp, while the "playmaker" has taken on a more subdued persona than his previous attempts at talking head-dom. 

Irvin is showing great restraint.  He has stopped grabbing the arms of his co-hosts, and for the most part has stopped yelling over others while they are talking.  Michael Irvin is in the process of re-inventing himself as a commentator.  We are watching a metamorphosis.  I never thought it possible, but Irvin is now only the second most annoying person in his crew.  Good job Michael.  Keep climbing that ladder.  Mariucci is the next rung. 

The other guy on the NFLN set is Marshall Faulk.  You might remember that last week his name came up as a possible partner to buy the Rams.  But when Faulk was asked by his cohorts about any possible such scenario he claimed he had absolutely not been in contact with the potential buyers, and had no idea where the story came from.

So where do these stories come from if they have no basis in fact?  The Great Gazoo?  Gollum?  The answer my precious, is blowin' in the wind.  The answer is blowin' in the wind.  My precious...

Misery Index

10)  Chargers:  Windows of opportunity are so short in the NFL.  And you wasted most of yours with Norv Turner.  That's like spending your peak sexual years with a magazine. 

9) Seahawks:  I think I have a pretty good bead on this now.  Against junk teams you dominate.   Against good, or even decent teams you flail your arms and shriek like girls on a roller-coaster.  

8) Browns:  Calm down Browns fans, I know this team is far worse than the 2-3 teams directly below them.  But those teams had realistic expectations.  You're merely achieving, er' rather not achieving about as expected.

7) Jets:  Put a hold on that Sanchez statue.  Apparently this product spoils when refrigerated.

6) Eagles:  The Eagles were a victim of verbal terrorism last Sunday.  Confused?  The Giants Antonio Pierce told an interviewer the week before that playing the Raiders was like a scrimmage.  Apparently that quote lit a fire under the Raiders that the threat of being punched out by their head coach couldn't.  We saw the results on Sunday.  Sort of an NFL version of the flaming bag of dog poo trick.  And the Eagles will be scraping their cleats for days. 

5) Chiefs:  Beating a team that just put their play-calling in the hands of a guy who was a number-caller in a bingo hall a few weeks ago is not really a good reason to give the head coach a Gatorade shower.  And if the players on this team think that it is, might I suggest someone give them a golden shower.  And heavy on the ammonia.  

4) Buccaneers:  A game effort.  Unfortunately that game effort came against a team without game.  And they lost the game.  But they did score 21 points, so maybe that new OC they installed the week before the season started is finally taking root.  See there, that bonehead mistake only cost you the first 6 games.  You will all catch on as we go along here.  We have 10 more practice games before your games actually count again, so plenty of time to work out those little kinks.  Take your time...        

3) Redskins:  I took an opportunity to leave the Redskins out of the Index last week.  I mean, they did have two wins at the time.  That's something.  But the further we get away from those wins, the more it becomes apparent.  This team is every bit as bad as the Rams and the Titans, minus the hope.  They have played 6 previously win-less teams and turned 4 of them winner. And Danny Snyder just keeps digging the hole deeper week by week.  But at this point, every shovel-full he throws comes right back down on top of his head.  He is burying himself alive.  Luckily he isn't very tall so this shouldn't take much longer... 

2) Rams:  If you will check your schedule, you will see that the Rams play the Titans in week 14.  Yes, it's a damn shame, but one of these teams will win a game this year.   

1) Titans:  Did you see the balloon boy story over the weekend?  The balloon escape.  The rescue mission.  The poor kid in the attic.  The interviews on national TV where the kid ratted out his dad on Larry King, then threw up on camera on another show.  And finally a day or so after the nation figured out that the poor little boy we thought was going to crash into a mountain-side was just a pawn in his sociopath father's sick chess game, it finally dawned on the sheriff that we had been duped, and told reporters that charges would be filed against the "father."   Balloon boy's dad thought he was going to be a sensation.   Balloon boys dad wanted to be a TV star.  But instead, now he might end up the cell-block bitch.  Balloon boy's dad did not have a good weekend.  Still, Jeff Fisher would probably trade places with him about right now. 

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