The name of my best fantasy team this year is John Wayne Toilet Paper. I’m not sure if I had seen another team named that in the past, or if the thought was original, but in any case I thought it might be appropriate. With only one week left in the regular season in that league, I think it is safe to say my team is rough. It is tough. But unlike the John Wayne toilet paper of the old joke it does take crap off of everybody. The record of my best team is now 4-6. I caught everybody on their best day.

Charmin Extra fluffy Toilet Paper would have been a more appropriate name as it turns out. It is for just this reason I play in leagues that award playoff spots based not only on wins, but on points accumulated.

My worst team is in the same format, just narrowly missed going 7-4. I got everybody on their worst day. But I am near the bottom of the league in points. The team is a giant turd clogging others path to glory. I am ashamed to be associated with it. But I birthed it. What can I do?

I have drafted in the top 3 about 3 times in my life and each time has ended in disaster. It seems “unlucky” works best for me. Go figure.

Yeah, I held Andre Brown for 9 weeks, then got snowed by the Giants coaching staff that “eased him back in” with 30 carries. I waited 9 damn weeks for this date, and ended up taking out his ugly-ass sister.

That is really why I play this game I think. It is for the weekly humility spanking. Per chance to self inflict. Look at what a genius I was, to hold Brown. Look at that moron that benched Andre Brown. I ask for punishment, and I receive it. It’s like a movie I’ve seen a thousand times. I scream at the television but the idiot still does the same thing every time.

Luckily I am married so I can vent my frustration by annoying my wife. Usually by taking my boxer shorts, pulling them up just south of my nipples, pooch my belly out and walk around hocking up phlegm.

Cruel yes, but let’s face it. That is her future. Might as well start getting her acclimated.

I did however start Riley Cooper just as advertised in last week’s column. His points were absolutely critical as most of the rest of my team spent Sunday avoiding the football like the plague. I finally think I am filling in that last piece of the puzzle with Cooper, and the rest of the team goes belly-up. Victor Cruz has turned into Hakeem Nicks Junior. Did not expect that. Then again who expected Eli Manning’s arm to be possessed by the spirit of Ryan Leaf?

I was unable to procure the services of Nick Foles due to my “gold-digger with ‘big daddy’s’ credit card on Rodeo Drive” spending spree the waiver wires earlier in the season. Our dynamic duo connected again for big numbers. The astonishing thing about it is that Foles did his damage with 18 attempts and 12 completions. An efficient performance to say the least.

Luckily he hit Cooper for 3 of those completions, and that was all that was needed for another stellar fantasy performance. For those of you that heeded my advice last week, a big score. Of course. Hey, I don’t waste half a column selling it if I‘m not all in.

For those of you that ignored my pleas, keep this in mind. Kevin is good on personnel. Kevin is horrible on lineup decisions once he has assembled a nice pile of personnel. Don’t confuse the two.

Did he seriously just go third person? Someone hit him in the head with a mallet.

Speaking of mallet-heads, did you catch Incognito’s modern day Eddie Haskell routine in the serene setting of his interview. With his innocent little boy haircut and his Sunday go to meeting clothes. Yes Mrs. Cleaver. No Mrs. Cleaver Thank you Mrs. Cleaver. Then when Mrs. Cleaver leaves the room the Beaver gets violated. Kind of like at that Miami function earlier this year. Allegedly.

The Cowboys defense was so horrific Sunday night, Mark Ingram actually looked like an NFL caliber running back. That freaked me out. Like the first time I saw a cow with two heads.

Granted, on his first big run for the season, he celebrated and cost his team all the yardage he had just gained, but after that burst of pent-up frustration he proceeded to split Cowboy defenders like the parting of the red sea. DO NOT BE ALARMED! Please disregard everything you saw Sunday night. You have just witnessed the peak of his career. Next week Ingram will face an actual NFL defense and return to his status of “biggest waste of a Saints draft pick ever.”

The Chiefs /Broncos showdown is finally at hand. I have seen discussion on message boards regarding benching / trading / or even outright dropping the Chiefs D based on a rough looking schedule ahead. I advise against any of those things. Especially now with Manning dinged. The Chargers were getting to him with some regularity and it is not a stretch to think the Chiefs could apply the same kind of pressure to the now even less mobile Manning. Sharks smell blood you know.

Granted, the Chiefs D is a tougher play in leagues where high points allowed are penalized, but in strictly turnover/sack/TD defensive formats, I still believe they are as safe a play as anybody. How did the Titans work out for the “rent a defense” crowd last week? Against the Jags. 7 points in my format. No thanks. I’ll take my chances with the Chiefs. Even God has his off-days. Look at the platypus. And Richie Incognito.

The Chiefs spent the week off, while Manning was getting beat up. They will be spending their prep time on tendencies and schemes, while Manning will be dedicating many hours to rehab on his “lower body part” It doesn’t take a huge leap of faith to think the Chiefs D could get theirs.

The Jaguars finally won a game. But it was partially due to two personal foul penalties called against Bernard Pollard. The first one was Pollard being a dumbass, but the second one was a sad commentary on the state of the game. Pollard brilliantly leaped over the pile of manhood in front of him and into Chad Henne. It was a fantastic beautiful athletic play. One that should have turned the momentum back to the home team. It was the kind of play that made me love football to begin with.

But in today’s NFL, that play is illegal. Just a dirty little penalty. If you leap into the quarterback from several feet in the air, some part of you comes in contact with the QBs helmet. Never mind that you are engulfing the player in whole. Never mind that is at the core of what football is. Or used to be. Nope. 15 yards the other way. Thanks for trying. Well, not really.

My question ultimately is, where will tomorrow’s defensive stars come from? Who in their right mind would want to play defense in the NFL? What is in it for them? Besides penalties, fines, and being shown on the bitch end of highlight reels. Something to think about.

Misery Index

10b) Dolphins: The President & CEO of the team is named Tom Garfinkel.  I thought about doing a “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” joke here but I couldn’t really think of anything clever.  Feel free to insert your own.  

10a) 49ers: The division seems pretty much out of hand at this point, especially considering the QB to the north seems to be progressing, while the ’Niners seem to have no idea what to do with theirs. On Sunday they just looked like an ugly version of the Panthers. I can’t believe I just said that. Oh well. Must be true. Rumor has it the Dolphins have submitted a cease and dismiss order in regard to Kaepernick wearing their gear.

10) Packers: Okay, maybe a few weeks from now we will know you as the second team to get steamrolled by the Foles / Cooper Express. But right now all we know is, without Aaron Rodgers you’ve got a fat doobie’s chance around Miley Cyrus.

9) Cowboys: So Rob Ryan took the fall for the Cowboy’s failure in 2012. His defensive scheme was too “complicated” according to Jerra. Sunday night the other coach the Cowboys let get away many years ago, unleashed the full brutality of his offense on the Cowboys new DC and his non-complicated defense. There was no letting up for the Saints on Sunday night. They wanted to make the Cowboys look bad, demoralize them and rub their nose in it. Mission accomplished. I haven’t seen a beat down like that in the NFL since the last time Richie Incognito made a new best friend.

8) Raiders: So you lost back to back weeks to the dregs of the NFC East. It could be worse. And let’s face it, it probably will be.

7) Steelers: Well, you won a game. But you still don’t look like yourselves. You look more like the Browns. Amazingly however, you are only two games out in the loss column, just like about every other team in the NFL that sucks. So you still have a reason to get up in the morning. And that’s nice.

6) Bills: My condolences to anybody that drafted any player on this team outside of Fred Jackson. Luckily nobody wanted most of them in the first place so no harm done. Well, except that nasty Spiller incident. Projecting a player to make the leap to first round consideration is one of the trickier experiments. But this one blew up real good.

5) Vikings: Winning is doing you no favors. I mean, how are you going to get a high enough draft pick to ill-advisedly draft Johnny Manziel, and waste another 5 years of your franchise with the wrong quarterback if you keep winning games? This sounds like a job for Josh Freeman to me. Good thing he is on the roster.

4) Falcons: I saw a tweet from a Falcons fan Sunday that found solace in the fact that their embarrassingly horrific loss to the Seahawks did no favors for the Saints in regards to home field advantage. Sad.  Another celebrated a potential high draft pick. Pathetic.  Many tried to comprehend how replacing one broken down running back with another one did not equate to running success. Perplexing.  Most just used foul language in capital letters, and those seemed to sum it up best.  Holy Harry F’ing Douglas.  

3) Texans: Case Keenum notched his third good start, and faces Jacksonville twice over the next 4 weeks. He may be the best quarterback in nobody’s starting lineup over the next month. As a Romo owner, I would be strongly considering making the switch to Keenum over the critical next 4 weeks, if only I had been clever enough to grab Keenum when I had the chance. But no. I was all about Terrell Pryor before Keenum came along. Not loving that decision right now.

2) Buccaneers: I’m not sure how it happened but I think it had something to do with Gruden’s insistence on pronouncing Tannehill Tannyhill. I personally got hooked on it. I couldn’t wait for him to say Tannyhill over and over again, and he did not disappoint. Unlike Tannyhill.

1) Jaguars:  The record may not show it, but you spent 32 hours just north of here. Granted, the other team’s quarterback had to bite the dust to make it happen, but you finally tasted victory. Oh well. You had a good run. I guess I always knew deep down this day would come. You can only escape victory so long in this ping pong ball lottery known as the NFL 2013.